Anything you can do...

An open letter to Simon Phillips 

Dear Simon 

It may have come to your attention that you are directing The Importance of Being Earnest at the end of the year. I am of the understanding that you are yet to cast the role of Algernon, younger brother to Jack, confirmed Bunburyist and part-time Ernest.

What with your Broadway commitments and care-free musical theatre lifestyle, I realise you must be a busy man. The time it takes to run auditions and select a cast, even with the army of magical woodland creatures that I assume assist you in running the MTC, must create an annoying imposition on your exotic social schedule. 

As a personal favour, I would like to save you the effort. You see I am the perfect candidate for Algernon. He is me, I am him. It is the part I was born to play. You need only hear a few facts of my existence to come to the same conclusion.

For instance, I taught myself to play piano while at drama school. The pride I feel in having achieved such skill coupled with my complete lack of formal technique means I may not play accurately, but I do play with wonderful expression.
 

Also, as Lady Bracknell states, Algernon has only his debts to rely on. As a young and unemployed actor in a cutthroat industry, debt is about the one constant in my life. I should add that the debt is most usually incurred at one of this city’s many fine theatrical institutions – quite often yours.

I know that you are already convinced, wise and all-knowing as you are, and are probably scrambling for the phone right now to call my agent. But let me continue for the sake of those who might question my validity as Algernon. 

Like Algernon, I am unaware that I have a brother. For the sake of character research, I expect to learn quite soon that I do in fact have a brother. Long lost, if that works best for you.

Quite possibly my favourite food is muffins. I could, if interrogated, name five distinct flavours of muffin that I enjoy. With enough variety in flavouring, I believe muffins could become the sole food requirement of the world. Like rice, but tastier. That’s how much I freaking love muffins. 

I spend much of my time pretending to be other people, for reasons of personal entertainment and financial gain. I usually call it acting but it is, in essence and in practice, the same as Bunburying!

On a professional note, I have been following Toby Schmitz on Twitter for some time now and I feel we have an excellent rapport that would translate into instant chemistry and brilliant humour. 

And finally I have been told that, in a dim light, from an oblique angle, if you’re squinting, I bear a moderate resemblance to a possible nephew of Geoffrey Rush. If he were a woman. The lengths I have gone to to be genetically similar to an actor for a single production are truly remarkable!

So you see in word, deed and daily life I am the very epitome of an Algernon, and I feel I would be accepted in many circles of higher society as an appropriate candidate for an Ernest. 

I look forward to hearing from you and taking the first step in what will no doubt become a legendary professional relationship and lifelong friendship.

Kind Regards and Heartfelt Thanks 

David Lamb

PS – If you believe you have other candidates who are more suited to the role, I will happily audition to prove you wrong.